enjoy you're coffee baby

sofarfromreal_x @ 2008-03-07T12:02:00

2008-03-07T17:04:56Z

i dont believe in anything anymore. i dont think tthings get better in time. i think its just that u try to make the best of whatever you can and leave the rest up to apathy. thats really what it is, there is power in not caring.. and i really just dont give a fuck about anything anymore. i dont know who i am anymore. im broke. im broken. im alone. im tired. im depressed and i have no fucking clue how to fix myself. i cant wish i cant hope i cant even dream. why am i even here..

sofarfromreal_x @ 2008-01-18T13:02:00

2008-01-18T18:09:23Z

i dont know anymore. i really feel like i should just let go and let it be. i know a piece of me will be missing but i cant live like this. with the paranoia and the nightmares.. it hurts so bad. and its like he gave up trying to prove himself.. things arent good what the hellare you doing? you fucked up before it even got close. im not going the extra mile anymore. i wont do it. i miss dana, i know shes mad and she is really the only one i willallow to say anything. fuck everyone else, you ALL have no fucking right so dont start what you deffffffff wont finish. i want him with me so bad but at the same time i want him tobehome and for him to miss me and know its his fault again. ad like, i know ill be paranoid but fuck it. if hes gonna go back then he needs to do it soon so i can just give up on him. i feel it slowly happening.. maybe i just want it so bad that i force myself tofeel it? i should just leave but the girl in me wants him to come soooooooooooooooooooooo bad.. i fucking hate this. i need to be strong. i need to stand my ground. he wants to behome, be home. a stupid party is more important than a 4 day weekend of fun, so be it. whatever happens happens. iknow in the end i will get hurt badly, but i know in life he will be the one with the regrets.

sofarfromreal_x @ 2008-01-09T16:10:00

2008-01-09T21:16:07Z

this past week has been unbelievable.. like really... its hard to believe at times. i cant believe whats been going on..i want to soo bad. i want to believe every word he says to me, i want to believe the look in his eyes, i want to know in my heart that everything is going to be okay, that we will make it, that we will move in together, that no matter what happens, we will always have eachother. i want to believe all of this. but i cant. my heart, my hope, my trust, all broken. hes trying so hard.. he really is and i love him so much for it. hes taking everything with a smile. he knows what he did. he knows he fucked up.. i feel like the second i believe again, the second i put my all back into it, it will dissappear again. how long is this supposed to last? is this for real? is he for real? so much of me says he is.. so much says im being unreasonable and an idiot.. but i cant force this.. he did it to me. he made it like this. only he can unmake it.. you know? what i dont understand is this, he came back within 2 weeks, he was shooting for a month, he cant be without me, it killed him, so if i know this than why doesnt that make me feel better? why doesnt that prove to me that he loves me and its me and him?? it should.. that should be enough. but it isnt.. its not even close.. cause i cant even look at it like that no matter how hard i try.. inside me it still means he stopped talking to me.. he hurt me sooo bad over nothing at all.. so he can easily do it again... thats what keeps playing in my mind.. it should be my proof but its not. i dont feel like i have him. thats the problem. ive given him EVERY reason to trust me and to KNOWWWWW for certain that i will never leave, but hes given me EVERY reason to doubt him.. how can that be fixed?

I ain't gonna chase you, I'd rather replace you

2007-12-29T19:49:33Z

today makes two weeks since i have seen him. i dont understand alot of what is going on and honestly it makes me lose hope for the future. i cant hate him. as much as i try to i can not be mad at him. "this is the best for us both in the end" its true.. this is what i needed and what i wanted.. i asked for it. i am fine. seriously, i miss him but not like before. no where near to before. i guess its cause i know it needs to happen. this is how it has to be. it cant be any other way. i dont cry as much. i dont feel like i did. i dont want to be with him anymore. i dont even know if i want to be around him. things can never be the way they were before. they can never be as good as they used to be. its over. its over and if it started up again we would just be some awkwardly morphed version of us. and i dont think i want to see that. i know he misses me. i know he is thinking about me. its impossible for him to not be. not after what we had and how amazing i was to that kid. im sure hes lied to everyone and pretended like everything is fine. he never really was one to talk about our business to family. i guess it just what bring about too many questions.. a part of me is scared for the month to be over. i dont know what i want anymore. or really what can happen. it scares me to think that everything will be as it is. there is nothing left for me here. and that realization makes me question everything i am doing right now. i feel like i really should just leave. but where will i go? i dont want to gp to puerto rico. i really hate it here.. i have no real solution. i think i should look into 4 yr schools with housing and just do that. get a job and save up all my money and just go away to school. i miss the security that childhood gave me. i miss the smile dennis put on my face. i miss my father and how he used to be when he was himself. i miss angel and having him in 40 min driving distance. i miss the days when me and my mother were actually a family. and most of all i miss the hope that everyone one of those people used to bring me. because its gone now. i really am just here, floating and waiting for life to happen. and even when i go on the offensive i cant do much damage. i cant fix anything no matter how hard i try to. i cant make things better or well, bearable. it is what it is.

time to let go.

2007-12-22T00:03:42Z

again i find myself faced with the question, "if i know i will be fine and everything will be alright, why does this bother me so?" its pathetic. i swear. and seriously, it hurts enough to cry and to be i guess irrational but that pain is NOWHERE near the the last time.. so why is the pain less but the reaction still so similar? i dont understand why this is happening. i definitely do not deserve it. dana was right. so was jerricha.. thanks for proving them right?? god i swear. i really know he will regret this shit. cause this time its beyond fucked.. there was NO reason to be such an asshole. to not talk to me. what the fuck. i need to get over him, seriously. and what balls nick has to text me. i really cant wait to see what he has to say. actually i really dont care. i know he is evil and cannot be trusted. so we will see if i answer or not. vulnerabilty is the only way i will answer that call. or maybe intrigue. who knows, we will see though. i want to give him his present. i worked so hard on it. i dont want it to just sit in my room or car. i want him to have it so he can see how stupid he is. i swear, if he does not call me or contact me, i will just drop it off at his house. and if his cousins open it than so fucking be it. thats his bad, NOT MINE. he really is a piece of work this kid. being such an ass for the what, 3rd, 4th time? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? i do nothing to deserve this. all ive done is love you.. SO FUCKING SORRY.. really.... my bad for thinking your amazing.. my bad for wanting to give you EVERYTHING.. reaaaaalllyyyyy, i am sooooo sorrrrrryyyyyyy......... yeeaaaHHHH. a part of me wonders if hes doing this for me.. like giving me what i asked for. but i do not think he is that complex.. or caring. seriously.. i dont think so. hes too selfish. maybe he wants me to give up on him so life will be easier for him. i dont understand how that could possibly happen but what the fuck ever i guess.. im over the lies and the shadyness. dont deserve it. you dont deserve me.. iwant to talk to him. straighten this out, give him his gift. and then honestly, i think i want to just end it altogether. this is so beyond old. and if he really is going to have NOOOOOO problem hurting me over NOTHING than HELLOOO JACKIEE!!!!! x him out cause this is a big fucking deal breaker. on some serious shit.

sofarfromreal_x @ 2007-12-21T10:37:00

2007-12-21T15:57:13Z

i really cant believe this. how can he just do this out of no where.. with no explanation.. nothing.. atleast i gave you an explanation each time.. and i talked to you when you asked me to talk to you.. i answered the phone.. why do i deserve this? cause i dont. i dont deserve to be treated like this.. tomorrow will be a week since ive seen you and sunday a week since we spoke. if i do not hear from him by sunday....if he lets it go that long.. than wow... fucking wow.. how are you going to start my month for me without me even knowing? im so hurt and pissed but i cant even be mad. i asked for this. and as fucked up as it is i know its what i need. i just wish ihad an explanation. we didnt fight. so why are you doing this? if i knew that saturday was the last time ill see you i would have given you your stuff. i would have given you a real hug and told you that i will always love you. but no, you didnt give me that chance.. you wont even message or text me back. i messaged him.. lets see what happens. i swear. if he doesnt talk to me bysunday imdone. this time its for good.. he will give me the push ineed. im tired of these games.. they aregetting so old..

sofarfromreal_x @ 2007-12-18T13:11:00

2007-12-18T18:21:51Z

i havent talked to him since sunday. he never called back.. noone answered the phone. if he doesnt call me today than i think ill have to start my month again..the worst part of everything is that i know we will both be fine because thats how life is. i know as fine as we will be we both will be missin eachother. its crazy for me to think that i could be alright without him here, but the truth is i know i would be. i just dont want that life. i cant help how i feel. i cant make it go away. i just wish i could get what iwant. things would be so much better if that could happen.. all questions would be answered, uncertainties fulfilled. things would make sense even if it is for only a short time. a small part really does hopehe never talks to me again. but that part is so small anymore. the rest of me is dying to see him. dying to feel his presence and hear that he lovesme and for me to feel like everything is going to be okay even if deep down i know thats an impossibility..

sofarfromreal_x @ 2007-12-17T00:03:00

2007-12-17T05:20:31Z

im scared. i dont know if telling her the truth was the best thing to do but i couldnt hold it in any longer. i have this feeling in my stomache that it will backfire but i guess thats what i do best. i fuck myself over and then i hope for the best. i cant believe the wway things are. i dont understand and i am neveer going to be able to face reality. without himi have nothing. without me he has nothing. WHY CANT THIS BE EASY. heres the easy solutions..1) BE WITH ME 2) GET OVER IT ... yeah both are some farfetched ideas. life is never easy. its never how it "should" be. this is how it is: i am nothing he wants but everything he needs. i am the best thing to ever come into his life and he will have to watch me walk out of it because he wont wake the fuck up. he is nothing i need but everything i want. no thats not true. he is all i need because he is everything i want. for me there is no one else. no alternative. i wish he would realize it before its toolate. i dont want to let you go!!!! but you are hurting me so bad.. it hurts. to be with him like this is killing me, and to be without him is death in itself. so what then? be together and try to get over him but secretly wish everyday that he turns around and finally tells me what ive been dying to hear. thats ridiculous and as amzing as it sounds its really just a fantasy, a fools hope. the truth is that he is too amazing andi will never be able to be around him and not want more than this. and the ultimate truth is that he will try to find other people and NONE will compare to me, and the reality in this truth is that i must move the fuck on because it will take too long for him towake the fuck up. its not fair. it hurts. it sucks. it makes me cry. i cant sleep and i cant be anything without him there. he is in everything i think and dream and do. i cant escape it. i dont want to escape it. i want him to want me . why cant it be that way. . . why can it never be that way??? this is so hard. but it has to be hard. its hard because its real. its the realest most upsetting thing ever. and wishing and wanting dont even matter anymore. as much as i love him and as much as he loves me, it doesnt even matter because nothing is changing this. nothing i do or say will save me from the pain. and the only person who can make me better is him and yet he is the one hurting me.. how insane is that shit.. i dont want no one else. i dont want a life without him but i cant have him how i need to have him and i cant live with him with these unreturned feelings.. the good is so amazing. there is no bad. so how can i just let him go.. icnat. i cant i cant i cant. and he cant let me go. we want eachother. we love eachother. why isnt that enough.. why why why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. it seems like that question haunts my mind. i love him. oh my god i love him. and i cant fucking stand it. i really cant. its disgusting. its ruined me and everything i stand for. everything i have ever believed in is gone out the damn window and i cant seem to find it. i cant even find myself anymore. i dont even know who i am. i do all the things i wished i never would. im pathetic and its gross. hes being selfish. he cant have all of me and all of someone else at the same time. its not happening. i wish i could be enough for him. well, i know i could be more than enough if he would just "look at me like that" the only solution i have is to make him see what hes missing. make him see me that way. but even that solution is pathetic. what the hell am i going to do.. no one has any answers for me, not even him. im at a standstill and alli can do about it is cry and hope and cry and ask why this and wish that maybe someday i could be with him. what a stupid life i lead these days. fucking pathetic piece of shit. he really doesnt deserve me. he doesnt deserve to have this hold on me. i know he doesnt deserve me because if e did he would take me. he would be content with me and we could realy live life. but because he is blind it shows me he really is undeserving. and it sucks. and i hate it. and nothing i can think of to do will change that. i deserve love. i deserve passion. i deserve a guy who will love me and hold me and will tell me how amazin i am, mean it, and than fuck me all night long. thats what i deserve. i only want him and its killing me.

sofarfromreal_x @ 2007-12-07T20:56:00

2007-12-08T02:04:12Z

i dont know if maybe i am just weak when it comes to him or if maybe just maybe its real. it feels so real when italk to him. why does he have to make it so hard to not want him. why is he so fucking amazing even now.. even with this potentially riendhsip ruining perdicatment we are in, even now he is being fucking amazing, being worth every tear and every ache in my heart. he really does love me. god he really does. just not like i love him. not like i want him to. the fact that we both are here for eachother says alot to me. it has to mean something. i mean both of our solutions are to leave this area, if we were not friends. without eachother theres nothing here, there is no hope. see the thing is i dont feel butterflies, i dont feel infatuated, i love him. but some days i think maybe i read more into my feelings. but at the same time he is the only person i want in every way you could possibly want someone. i dont want him to be with anyone else. and i really have this gut feeling that if i found a guy he would feel the same way. he would get jealous and want me. but would it be hes wanting something cause he cant have it or would it just be a wake up call? but even so, there is no one for me. no one but him.. so how can i even go about that? i guess time is all we have. time will either mend my heart or make him come around. i want so bad to believe that this is possible. i want to make it possible. if you want something bad enough can you make it happen? i mean it didnt work as far as me making him in love with me, but maybe we can get through it. we both want to. i just dont know how i can ever get over him. hes so fucking amazing, so perfect in every way. every flaw he has makes me love him more. the way he loves me makes me love him more. i dont want him to change. i dont want to lose what we have. but i am so scared that we will.. so fucking scared.

sofarfromreal_x @ 2007-12-02T10:58:00

2007-12-02T15:58:55Z

Three sleepless nights
This isn't how it's supposed to be
But you're so good at taking your time
To get back to me

I will wait for you forever
If you would just ask me
I thought that I could change you
But you changed me

It doesn't feel right
Holding someone elses hand
Together on phone lines
And living at two opposite ends

It scares me to think that you could find takers
Other than me and better than me
But your head is elsewhere
And I'm talking enough for both of us
When will you see it's not so easy for me

You're careless and whispered
Insulting and bruising
And I thought that you said
Things were improving
These laces are untied
But my feet are still walking away
Away...

I never thought that
You could say these words
Is this really happening? [2]

[Don't say...]

I never thought that
You could say these words
Is this really happening?
[Don't say that we can...]

I never thought that
You could say these words
Is this really happening?
[Don't say that we can still be...]

I never thought that you could say these words
Is this really happening?
[Don't say that we can still be friends]

Erase my name from this page
How can you take all these days [What is inside me? What have I done?]
And throw them away [Is this the only way that you will notice me?]
As I sit here waiting for you [Dead words for closed ears all this is sung]
for you, for you
I stay up nights [If you are still pretending this is what's right]
Until stars leave the sky [Why can't you look at me can you only see]
Knowing what my dreams can take away [Sides, your side, can]
take away

Walk away from me
This night is done

sofarfromreal_x @ 2007-11-29T10:08:00

2007-11-29T15:19:27Z

i cant cry. i kinda expected this. it will hit me while im with him.. i know it. i wish i h ad the strength toask him for a month. whydid dana have to be right. why do i make it so impossible to find happiness. how can we bounce back fromthis. i mean iknow we canbut i dont want to. this shoud be the most amazing feeling and i cant evenenjoy it. instead i have towish it would goaway and hate myselffor going there. its not fair. lifes not fair. i cant even say my heart is broken. he broke my heart that day we decided to not be friends. this doesnt hurt as much. actually it doesnt hurt like it ususally does. a relationship wont ruin anything, thats a complete cop out but i dont have the energy to call him out on it. i wantto cry so bad. i want to tell him hes an idiot. but even more i just want to lay in bed with him and have him hug me, everything will be weird now. iknow it will. because it will be like everything will be overthought. he wont want to lead me on and i wont want to make myself obvious. so we cant be normal. we cant be together like we usually are. WHY CANT HE JUST BE WITH ME? i dont want anyone else. i havent for months and its so obvious to me now. and he wont find anyone better then me. and i cant wait for him to figure that out. he knows it. i know he does. god i fucked myself so bad. how can i live with him and have to watch him everyday knowing i cant be with him like i want to be. thats emotional suicide. how can he not want to be with me. how can he not feel it too. how does he not see it? is he really that confused? ishe really that worried about hurting me ina relationship? cause idont buy that for a minute.. is a penis really worth not being with the love of a lifetime...??i dont want anyone else and i really dont see that changing.. what am i going to do? how ami supposed to ghet through this. iwant dont want to get through it. iwant him to be with me.. why is that somuch toask for...

the more things change, the more they stay the same

2007-11-21T22:33:34Z

just think of this and me
as just a few of the many things
to lie around,
to clutter up your shelves
and I wish you weren't worth the wait
cause there are some things
that I'd like to say to you

And I don't think that you know
what you've been missing
cause I don't think that you know
what you've been missing

and I dare you to forget
the marks you left across my neck
from those nights when we were both found at our best
now I could make this obvious and you,
you could deny me
all in one breath
you could shrug me off your shoulders

And I don't think that you know
what you've been missing

sofarfromreal_x @ 2007-11-18T01:25:00

2007-11-18T06:41:00Z

i dont understand why i keepo finding myself in this place. why can i never be content. alweays wanting more. always wanting what i cant have. always wanting what is so far out of my reach. how do i keep managing to do this to myself. why am i so fucking miserable. what the fucl. things feel so different. they are different.. so wehy then. why this. why is there no one i can talk to about this. why cant i just leave. go to puerto rico. leave it all behind. what is here anyway? NOTHING. no love. the only thing worth it is love. and i dont get that. i will never get it. not liek this. its hopeless. so fucking hopeless. and yet i constantly give myself reasons to hold on. but the truth is, im not holding on like i was. ITS SO DIFFERENT. how can it be so different but feel so right. feel so normal. feel so the same. well no, seem so the same. how can it seem like nothing changed but yetinside me i can feel it. not as intense anymore. still lingering. what does this mean. it seems like everything i say is wrong. everything i feel is useless. everything i think so not allowed to be said. whyy iss itt likee thiss. what the fuck is wrong with me. why cant i say it. why do i keep trying to stay in denial. if i say it than its real. if its real theni cant hide it. if its real than its real. it cant be real. it needs to go away. it needs to die along with the past. im not doing it again. i refuse. fuck it. fuck it all. why am i never good enough. no matter what i do. no matter howi loook. howi act. what i say. how much i give or dont give. i dont fucking get it. its a constant lose lose lifestyle. im so tired of it. I WANT TO BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS IN LOVE WITH ME. why is that so fucking farfetched. WHY THE FUCK WONT YOU JUST GIVE ME THAT! i fucking deserve it so bad. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. i wouldnt cheat, i wouldnt hurt, i would be fucking more amazing then i am now. so why cant i just have it. why does god keep doing this. its like right within my grasp and then he pulls it away. a big fucking sike nah to the forehead. i wish i could make this go away. but even more i wish that it didnt have to go away. i wish so bad that it could be right. it could be real. it could be the way it is supposed to be. but it cant. it wont. never. ever. i need to accept it. but i dont know if i can.. its so hard.. so fucking hard...

whaaaaaat theeeee fuckkkkkkkk

2007-11-08T20:22:41Z

i wish i could give him the strength i have. i wish i could show him how much easier it would be. i dont know what to do. i dont like living like this. i actually hate it. its exhausting. but what then? is it better to live a life with him even if there is bullshit and that fucking asshole who keeps proving me right? i dont want to wait for him to realize it. its taKing so long. it could take a year! ive seen it before.. is it fucking worth it? its funny to me. i used to be soooo sure it was worth it. so fuckin sure. i knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt. and now, well now all i do is wonder.. i told him it was different. he fucking loves me. he cares about me, when we are together, we are together. its 'we' but i cant be around him 24-7, i cant keep nagging him and making him be strong. he has to want it for himself. hes not ready. theres no one else. he feels stuck. its pathetic. because i can do nothing but watch and disagree. I ALMOST BELIEVED HIM THIS TIME!. god i want to be able to believe him. thats what it is. i dont trust him. i cant. everytime i have blindly trusted him and put my heart and soul into things, he has lied to me and hurt me. but the lies ususally are because he is lusting. but still.. DONT FUCKING LIE TO ME. theres no need to.. i would rather deal with the truth and have to accept it. thatrs how i handle things. so stop fucking with the system cause its just hurting our friendship. when im with him i feel like anything is possible. i have hope for our future and i want nothing more than to be around him laughing and enjoying life. when im not with him i feel like i would be better off if he wasnt in my life. what does that mean.. what will that determine? how much longer will he do this to himself? how much longer will he want me in his life? im so afraid he will give in. maybe thats why im not fully in this. maybe thats why i keep seeing myself hold back. maybe thats why when he tells me he loves me and tells me all those things about we and future and life maybe thats why all i can think is "why are you still with him then?" if he knows that its us in the future, if he knows how amazing life will be with me, if he knows its going to happen, if he can say all this than why cant he just be over it now? why does it seem so far away..... why cant he just man the fuck up

sofarfromreal_x @ 2007-11-01T15:40:00

2007-11-01T19:50:23Z

i dont get myself. i dont get how i feel. i dont understand why i do what i do. the other day was such a good day. it was something ill always look back on fondly. this past week has been good for the most part. weird, but i have been enjoying it. im scared for tomorrow. i really dont think hes going to jail but idk i just cant stop thinking about it.. i mean i know everything will be fine no matter what happens. if he goes than he goes. i know WE will be fine. i will see him and visit him and save my money so that when he gets out life can start again. i dont want him to go tho. and yet i find myself wondering whats going to happen if nothing happens. if hes fine. and things are fine. why the hell does that scare me?? i know i wont lose him. i know he loves me. so wtf. why am i so fucking scared? i think its kinda like i know that in times of crisis and when tragedy strikes, i will outshine everyone. im so good at being there for people and helping and comforting them when they have no one. and if nothing at all happens than he wont see me the way i need him to see me. i need him to look at me as more amazing than he already thinks i am. i need to know that he sees how much i love him and how much he really needs me and loves me. and i guess its kinda like if nothing happens, then he wont see it and then i can potentially lose him. it seems like thats always the root of how i feel. i am afraid of losing him. thats why i get so scared when hes with him. cause i know that in real love situations, people tend to pick their lovers over their best friends. and its so fucked up that i feel like him going to jail will ulimately bring us closer.. but i mean it would. it would give me a chance to show him that he will never lose me. and then I AM WORTH IT. and again i question myself. why am i so afriad to lose him when i did kinda lose him for those 2 weeks, and i saw that i am capable of life without him. i guess it seems like a life without him in it seems kinda empty for me. if i had to do it, i know i could. but i still want him here. especially after this week. after the other night. i know that i like my life better when hes a regular part of it. and i also dont know anyone that i would rather build a future with. he is my best friend. and hes someone i will always want in my life.

sofarfromreal_x @ 2007-10-25T14:10:00

2007-10-25T18:13:36Z

the only thing i regret about
you and me is that i got you
too drunk to r e m e m b e r
how good of a fuck i was <3

taras words:

2007-10-25T03:20:18Z

i don't know what you see in him..
" i see what everyone else doesn't "

i dont need you, i want you

2007-10-24T12:58:34Z

the starting line "saddest girl story"

So it's safe to say that we've been here before;
Heart torn out, down for the count
and still come back for more.
This lesson is learned too well.
Though, only unlearned by the
time your wounds have healed.
Have you had enough?
I guess not because your lips are stuck to his.
It's time to say enough is enough,
YOU WOULD BE SO BETTER OFF.
You love him but TOUGH because
it's not coming back from him.
You can't win.
STOP EXPECTING CHANGE
He's just a lost cause that you're waiting on.
Take a look around, you could have anyone
So leave undeserving him.

IT ONLY HURTS AT FIRST
But then you will find someone
to give you everything you want.
Try not to go RUNNING back to him.
So it goes unsaid that we've been here before.
Lonely nights and endless fights
and sleeping on the floor.
AND HES SORRY.. SO THE STORY GOESS.
It's read and replayed and ends the same way.

STOP EXPECTING CHANGE,
he's just a LOST CAUSE that you're waiting on.
Take a look around, you could have anyone.
So leave undeserving him.

STOP EXPECTING CHANGE,
he's just a lost cause that you're waiting on.
Take a look around, you could have anyone.
So leave undeserving him.

its seems to me that this song becomes more true every day.
i still remember the first time i showed it to him.
god, that was july i think? yeah, like july 28th.
and today is october 24th and it still appliesss.
and you know, maybe it applies to our situation too.
cause as different as things are, i still cant let you go.
well no, i can, but i'm not. and i won't unless you make me.
i think you are so worth my time. i think you do change.
i've seen you change to make things better with us.
and i have changed alot too. i know deep down its worth it.
i n f a t u a t i o n & l u s t cloud your judgement,
but i still know you love me and care about me.
and i know that in the long run it will be you & me.
[ best friends ] well, thats how it could be..
people will come in and out of our lives, but we will
stick by eachother and be there for eachother.
i really can see that with us, if you're willing to put forth the effort.
&& i want that with us. i want to show you so much in life.
i want you happy. and i want to be a part of that happiness.
but i know it cant be with him. its just no possible.
first loves are hard to break. especially in this case.
but it can be done. and i know it will be.
there is no future with you guys. i know you both see it.
just look at how things are now..
imagine a few months from now..
it wont change man. he wont change.
hes never going to be what you want him to be.
i don't know if i can wait for you to see that.

sofarfromreal_x @ 2007-10-23T17:02:00

2007-10-23T21:14:05Z

sometimes i find it eery how right on cue i am. i mean it has its downfalls, but i really am always right. my suspicions ring true, and my feelings or well thoughts on the matter seem to be so exact. listening to him talk and just tell me things about whats been going on, it just shows me how right i am. LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH!!. i know this will ring true in the end. i know it reall yis only a matter of time. i know i know i fucking know it with so much certainty. its kinda sad actually. it makes me doubt the truth in love at all. and i really am starting to wonder if i want love. do i really want such intense uncertainty? do i really want such pain, such inevitable pain and sorrow?? yes. i want love so bad. but more so, i want someone to love me. i want to be someones everything. i want to their person. and god, oh god it would be nice if that person was my person. loving is great and all but ive come to realize that majority of the time the most intesne feelings arent returned. to be loved by the one i love. thats my dream. a dream that probably wont be realized for a very long time. but its alright. i can wait. i know i deserve it. and i know it will be amazing. so i really jus need some patience<3 meanwhile, its really interesting to see how fucking amazing i am. and how much i am right in my observations. its creepy at times, and not always in my favor. but nontheless it is enjoyable and good to know that i still got it. ha. i am in such a weird place right now. i dont understand how i feel. i dont know how i want to feel. i really just feel like im waiting. but im not waiting anymore. thats whats odd. i realized i have to get my life on track and start living for me and not for other people. as much as i love helping people and being there for people, i gotta do me. whats best for me? i dont even know. well, getting out of here is what is best. whats uncertain is where i will end up. the doors i have will only be open for so long. i need to move forward and stop hoping for some help. i dont know if i can count on the word he gave me. the promise of a free life together. my heart wants so bad to hold on to that dream but my head is saying that is so not a reality. so there it is. i guess i can wait it out a few months and see if it looks promising or not. if not, than there is always puerto rico. and as much as i will miss things here. and as much as i love the people in my life, i know that they wouldnt think too much about me if in my position. i gotta be strong. and i know in the end, everything will be okay. everything is going to be alright.

sofarfromreal_x @ 2007-10-22T16:26:00

2007-10-22T20:33:39Z

regina spektor "samson"

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us
The bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first , I loved you first
Beneath the stars came falling on our heads
But there just soft light, there just soft light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
He told me i was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors and the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright
and kissed me till the morning light, the morning light
and he kissed me till the morning light

Samson came back to bed
not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down
Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first

a fine frenzy "almost lover"

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

and i'ma still wear a smile if its raining <3

2007-10-21T21:59:02Z

breakthrough or not, i dont understand what im doing. i dont get why im allowing myself to do this when i know i should stick to my plan. one month, thats all it takes. and yet i stray. but not like i thought i would. its nothing like it used to be. im nothing like i was. i dont feel the same anymore. and yet i still want to talk to him. i am not dying to talk to him. i dont miss him as much as i know he misses me. i am so anxious for the day he wakes up and this is all over but i dont want to wait around for that. i dont get it. its so different now. heres what i know: love does not make everything better. no matter how much you love someone you can never get them to change unless they want to. he has had EVERY reason in the world to change. he lost EVERYTHING. and hes still a liar, a cheater, and a serious ass dramatic manipulator. he will never change for you. he has admitted that to me. so there it is. as much as you guys love and care for one another, at the end of the day, its not enough. and you know it. you know it cause i can see it in your eyes and in your actions, and well, in your lack of actions in certain cases. so what is this than? a time filler? something to enjoy right now because we all know it cant last.. i dont get it. just look at my mom and tim.. "sooo in love" yet he wont change for her.. she wont change for him.. look at how fucked their lives are together.. and she supposedly loves me... "mother-daughter-unconditional-love" loves me soo much yet look at what she does. look at what she puts me through.. KNOWINGLY does and puts me through.. like i said before.. LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. love is a start.. but in the grand scheme of things, REAL LOVE means forever. it means through thick and thin through every fucking obstacle that every damn tear will be worth it because i will change for you, no, for US, i will do all it takes to make us happy and make things work with us, i love you so much, you are all that matters to me and i will put OUR needs over MY NEEDS. its you and me. its obvious that he does not love you. that you do not really love him. its intense, sure, but its not real. its not lasting. its not worth the bullshit. i know this for a fact. and heres what else i know: i have a complete double standard for you. i allow all of my other friends to go back to their exes. i do not make it an issue and i tell them i wish them luck and i will help them when they need it. i let them make their own mistakes. i let them get fucked over hard as hell and i just watch and even though i tell them "i told you so" i still comfort them and help mediate the situation. and its beat that i told you we cant be friends cause you went back. i knew in my heart it would happen. i just wanted so bad for you to be strong enough. and not be like all the rest. so for the double standard, i apologize. but, i cant really mediate this. i dont want you together. and any thing bad i hear or see or that you experience will just prove me right. and I WILL BE PROVED RIGHT. i am completely right about this. he will not change. its only a matter of time.. but with that said, i will be there to listen to your problems. i will offer what advice i can give, trying hard to not involve my real feelings. i know in the end that you will realize that i am worth everything. i am the person you will want in your life, and miss more than anything. and i know this may take a while for you to understand or even open your eyes too. but its okay. i cant promise ill wait. i cant even say ill wait. but i will get enjoyment out of that day and out of your realization. i already know hes worthless. i already know that life is easier without him in it. but its my experiences that gave me the knowledge and the certainty that you will gain after your time is up. for your sake though, i really hope it doesnt take too long. it would be a shame for you to spent a good chunk of your time, money and life on a person who in the end will prove to be more trouble and more of a mistake than anything else. i know all this, and yet i still cannot understand what i am doing. i wish i could explain it but i cant anymore. maybe its hope. maybe its boredom. maybe its just nice to know that i can see him and talk to him. and i still think its because i know for certain that he will fuck up. i just wish i knew if it would matter. i wish i knew if i cared that it mattered. cause at the rate im going, caring is dwindling. and its kinda nice. its also kinda sad in a way. sad and confusing.. i have no idea whats going to happen in the next few weeks. or even the next week. and i dont even know what i want to happen. thats the weirdest part of all this. i used to want so much and now im just going with the flow waiting for my opportunity to arise and for me to get the fuck out of this place.

day seven.. one week!

2007-10-16T14:05:38Z

ive had a breakthrough. he texted me the other night at 12 in the morning telling me he got outted. i texted him back. and i even texted him more yesterday just to make sure hes okay. and through all of that, i got my breakthrough. i realized that i dont care that much anymore. like, i told him id be there for him and i realized that im just keeping my promise. i dont get excited seeing his name on my texts anymore. i dont go crazy wanting to talk to him and wondering what hes doing. nope. i just wanted to know how the situation was turning out and i guess i wanted to see if he needed me so i could know if he was comin back sooner than i expected. but even that thought makes me realize i dont need him to come back. i dont understand why this happened so soon. i mean i want him to come back so i can hear him tell me he fucked up and that im amazing and hes sorry he ever hurt me. that would be nice to hear but i dont need it. I LOVE THAT I CAN SAY THAT WITH HONESTY! cause i dont need to hear it cause i KNOWWW it. and i know he will get there. once the weed dies down and the smoke clears out, he will be like "damnn.. i fucked this up" i mean even now he knows it aint good.. the first text started off with "jackie i know we not on best terms" DUHH. i told you to prove to me you want me in your life and that this can work.. YOU HAVENT TALKED TO MEEEEEEEE AT ALL!! HAHAHAH and i knew you wouldnt. so it worked exactly how i needed it to. and nowww your texting me when shit gets bad and ill be there for you cause i promised you i would be, but the difference between you and me is that this is going to remind you how fucking amazing i am and how much it sucks that you let me go, and for me, its going to show me how fucking much i dont need you as much as i thought i did. i think that the reason im feeling like this is cause i know for certain that he will regret letting me go. and cause i already did all my crying and missing him 2 weeks ago when we were still just not talking cause of the fight. i still cant believe all this happened. i never saw it coming. and i still cant believe how strong i am. i can do anything. i can go through ANYTHING and come out SMILING. its fucking insane. and i love it.

in other news, im going to look for a job today. im going to make shit better for myself. no more getting upset and feeling stuck. fuck that. IM MAKING IT BETTER. fuck waiting<3

day five

2007-10-14T23:20:20Z

and if you want to leave i can guarantee
you wont find nobody else like me

well, i dont really understand how i feel. or whats going on. why does he wave to me when he sees me? if he wanted to be in my life he would text me.. so is he being an asshole? i never really thought he was capable of being that low.. but than again, i also didnt think he would be capable of fucking me over so bad. the closest i can get to explaining how i feel is that, i dont want to talk to him. i dont want to be friends. i dont want him in my life. but i want him to come back to me and tell me how sorry he is or atleast how much he misses and truly cares about me and that he was stupid to let me go. i know that nothing can be like it was. i dont even want it like that. hes changed. hes being someone i dont like. and dont want to have any association with. ive realized that nothing can ever really make me change my mind. like for that to happen, hed have to do alot. and put alot of effort into me before i ever went back to that. like im talking about the effort danielle put into me this summer. when i hear people talk about him, even seeing his car and shit, it just idk doesnt phase me like i thought it would. usually i would want to cry, or get so mad that i cried. or like just be emotional or something. but this is so not that. so different. let me see if i can explain it. im not happy to see him there. i dont like seeing the car. i dont like knowing hes hanging out with danielle or smoking weed all the time. but its like, the more shit i hear, the easier it is not to miss him. cause all that stuff just makes me believe hes not the kid i know. not the kid i spent all those amazing times with. so its pointless missin something that cant come back. its the same way i feel with nick. like, whats the point in missing him when the nick i knew and loved, is dead. same with danielle. my danielle doesnt exsist anymore. she comes out in small doses but shes really just gone. and i guess it also helps that i KNOW he loves me. and i KNOW he will be thinking of me. and i KNOW he will miss me. and i KNOW he will want to talk to me. even if it NEVER happens. even if he NEVER comes back, i KNOW he will want to, or atleast THINK about doing it. and that thought makes me smile because i KNOW i impacted his life. and i KNOW he will NEVER meet ANYONE else like me. as AMAZING as me. thats the best way i can express how i feel. its such a weird feeling. its so not expected. but honestly, i kinda like it. cause im not crying. im not sad or depressed. im not alone. and im so not used to feeling this good while letting go. i still love him though. i just know this is for the best. this is what i need. this is how he made it and how it has to be.

oh and ps, fuck tim. :)

day two

2007-10-11T15:25:24Z

i just woke up a few hours ago. so far, im not sure how im feeling. last night pissed me off but its funny. it really is amazing that sense of humor that god has. HAHAHA GOOD ONE!!!!!! ultimately though, it sucks. and i can only pray that he will be easier on me the next few weeks. dana doesnt believe me. she thinks im naive. but im telling you. the first 2 weeks presents the hardest time. the time where i want to talk to him and i miss him like crazy. but since i already basically spent the last two weeks dying inside and crying, im thinking that im already on my road to being there. ONE MONTH. thats how long it takes to move on. well to start moving on. to let go i guess is better to say. no contact for one month, and then its not so hard anymore. you get past the first month and then its smooth sailing. this time though, its going to be interesting if he contacts me. he doesnt know that my month started yesterday. so he might call or text me. maybe even for my birthday. but i got to stay strong. im going to prove that i will be fine. im going to show him how it is to let go of someone you love. IT CAN BE DONE. ive done it with so many people. so many important people. this one might be the cream of the crop. but it will be done. and i will make it happen. im so fucking strong and i know it. and its amazing this feeling of knowing i will be alright. i KNOW it will get easier over time. one month. oneeee month<3 i think one day in the near future im going to pack up all the stuff i have of his and that reminds me of him and put it in a box. i dont know if ill take the stuff off my walls but from my car and from my floor and stuff. i know he loves me. i know he will miss me. but i know that this is how it has to be. they say he doesnt deserve me or appreciate me. but no, thats not true. i KNOW he appreciates all ive done. and i know that he is worth my time. and worth having in my life. but not like this. hes blind. and although he needs to go through this so he can gain the experience and knowledge i have, i dont have to go through it with him. thats the one thing he doesnt deserve. he doesnt deserve to have me there fixing things when he hurt me the way he did. i dont know how long its going to take for him to wake up. but i guess the longer, the better. cause the longer he takes to come back the more time ill have to get to the point where i do not want him back. he might not deserve me or to be in my life, but i deserve him. i deserve to have someone in my life that loves me and cares about me and that i have so much fun being around. i deserve to have someone think im amazing and someone i can be best friends with and want to be around all the time. i deserve that. but you know, as much as i do deserve it, its just not meant to be. hes not meant to be that person. hes not meant to have me in his life. i think he was put in my life to give me a taste of what ive been wanting for so long. a taste and the confidence to know i deserve it, and im worth it, and it will come to me. i dont regret anything about him. i started to. but i dont. because i am a better person because he was in my life. and not cause he made me a better person. no. because he made me see how fucking amazing i really am. and how fucking lucky he was to have me in his life. and i cant wait until i find my person. my person that wont leave me like this. that will stick around when shit gets tough. and will need me just as much as i need them. its going to happen. and i cant fucking wait<3

day one.

2007-10-10T20:13:33Z

yesterday was one of the hardest days ive had in a very long time. i said good bye to my family. and i said goodbye to the kid i really care about. a moment of weakness made me call him and fix things. but i know hes not going to show me or do the things he needs to do to keep me. so really, it is goodbye. i think that i made it this way so i dont have to feel like its my fault. i mean, it is my choice i guess. but its not that i want it this way. he is making it this way. he chose that. he is doing this. and he wont realize what he needs to do until its too late. he wont realize how much i meant to him until im gone. and he wont realize he was losing me until hes lost me completely. i think its better this way. it doesnt feel like it did yesterday. i dont want to just randomly break out in tears right now. i think its cause i know this is right. this is how it has to be. this is how he made it. he cant have everything. its not possible to have everything and be friends with everyone. its just not possible. not after the pain and fucked up shit that went on. and the sad part is i know that hes worth it. and i know im worth it. he just doesnt see it yet. hes blinded by lust. so there it is. the person you are choosing to put time into will fuck you over. he will never change. and i guess its not fair for me to keep telling you this. cause i only know this stuff cause of my experiences. sorry i was tryin to save you the pain. but you have to go through it yourself. and although i cant protect you, i can protect myself. iknwo in the long run it will hurt me more and i will be mad at myself more if i stick by you while this goes on. im not saying im never goin to want us to be in eachthers lives again, but i know myself. i have to let you go. i have to move on. cause it will hurt so much to be a part of that. and i wont do it. i dont deserve that shit. and i really cant wait for the day you come back. or atleast think about coming back. cause that will be a great day whether i know about it or not. cause you will have to look yourself in the mirror, look at the mess you made, and know that im not there because you fucked it up. because you let me go. because you thought it was worth it when i told you it wouldnt be. i still love you. ill always love you. and i know you love me. and its amazing that i actually know you do love me. thank you for that. thank you formaking me feel amazing and making me see how worth it i am. so now i wont have to settle cause i know what i deserve. and i owe that to you. i love you & goodbye.

Well, I've got a hundred thousand reasons

that I thought you would be
the one that took me by the hands

and said youre happier with me.