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cause life just ain't that sweet without me
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[07 Mar 2008|12:02pm] |
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i dont believe in anything anymore. i dont think tthings get better in time. i think its just that u try to make the best of whatever you can and leave the rest up to apathy. thats really what it is, there is power in not caring.. and i really just dont give a fuck about anything anymore. i dont know who i am anymore. im broke. im broken. im alone. im tired. im depressed and i have no fucking clue how to fix myself. i cant wish i cant hope i cant even dream. why am i even here..
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[18 Jan 2008|01:02pm] |
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i dont know anymore. i really feel like i should just let go and let it be. i know a piece of me will be missing but i cant live like this. with the paranoia and the nightmares.. it hurts so bad. and its like he gave up trying to prove himself.. things arent good what the hellare you doing? you fucked up before it even got close. im not going the extra mile anymore. i wont do it. i miss dana, i know shes mad and she is really the only one i willallow to say anything. fuck everyone else, you ALL have no fucking right so dont start what you deffffffff wont finish. i want him with me so bad but at the same time i want him tobehome and for him to miss me and know its his fault again. ad like, i know ill be paranoid but fuck it. if hes gonna go back then he needs to do it soon so i can just give up on him. i feel it slowly happening.. maybe i just want it so bad that i force myself tofeel it? i should just leave but the girl in me wants him to come soooooooooooooooooooooo bad.. i fucking hate this. i need to be strong. i need to stand my ground. he wants to behome, be home. a stupid party is more important than a 4 day weekend of fun, so be it. whatever happens happens. iknow in the end i will get hurt badly, but i know in life he will be the one with the regrets.
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[09 Jan 2008|04:10pm] |
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this past week has been unbelievable.. like really... its hard to believe at times. i cant believe whats been going on..i want to soo bad. i want to believe every word he says to me, i want to believe the look in his eyes, i want to know in my heart that everything is going to be okay, that we will make it, that we will move in together, that no matter what happens, we will always have eachother. i want to believe all of this. but i cant. my heart, my hope, my trust, all broken. hes trying so hard.. he really is and i love him so much for it. hes taking everything with a smile. he knows what he did. he knows he fucked up.. i feel like the second i believe again, the second i put my all back into it, it will dissappear again. how long is this supposed to last? is this for real? is he for real? so much of me says he is.. so much says im being unreasonable and an idiot.. but i cant force this.. he did it to me. he made it like this. only he can unmake it.. you know? what i dont understand is this, he came back within 2 weeks, he was shooting for a month, he cant be without me, it killed him, so if i know this than why doesnt that make me feel better? why doesnt that prove to me that he loves me and its me and him?? it should.. that should be enough. but it isnt.. its not even close.. cause i cant even look at it like that no matter how hard i try.. inside me it still means he stopped talking to me.. he hurt me sooo bad over nothing at all.. so he can easily do it again... thats what keeps playing in my mind.. it should be my proof but its not. i dont feel like i have him. thats the problem. ive given him EVERY reason to trust me and to KNOWWWWW for certain that i will never leave, but hes given me EVERY reason to doubt him.. how can that be fixed?
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| I ain't gonna chase you, I'd rather replace you |
[29 Dec 2007|02:41pm] |
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today makes two weeks since i have seen him. i dont understand alot of what is going on and honestly it makes me lose hope for the future. i cant hate him. as much as i try to i can not be mad at him. "this is the best for us both in the end" its true.. this is what i needed and what i wanted.. i asked for it. i am fine. seriously, i miss him but not like before. no where near to before. i guess its cause i know it needs to happen. this is how it has to be. it cant be any other way. i dont cry as much. i dont feel like i did. i dont want to be with him anymore. i dont even know if i want to be around him. things can never be the way they were before. they can never be as good as they used to be. its over. its over and if it started up again we would just be some awkwardly morphed version of us. and i dont think i want to see that. i know he misses me. i know he is thinking about me. its impossible for him to not be. not after what we had and how amazing i was to that kid. im sure hes lied to everyone and pretended like everything is fine. he never really was one to talk about our business to family. i guess it just what bring about too many questions.. a part of me is scared for the month to be over. i dont know what i want anymore. or really what can happen. it scares me to think that everything will be as it is. there is nothing left for me here. and that realization makes me question everything i am doing right now. i feel like i really should just leave. but where will i go? i dont want to gp to puerto rico. i really hate it here.. i have no real solution. i think i should look into 4 yr schools with housing and just do that. get a job and save up all my money and just go away to school. i miss the security that childhood gave me. i miss the smile dennis put on my face. i miss my father and how he used to be when he was himself. i miss angel and having him in 40 min driving distance. i miss the days when me and my mother were actually a family. and most of all i miss the hope that everyone one of those people used to bring me. because its gone now. i really am just here, floating and waiting for life to happen. and even when i go on the offensive i cant do much damage. i cant fix anything no matter how hard i try to. i cant make things better or well, bearable. it is what it is.
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| time to let go. |
[21 Dec 2007|06:53pm] |
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again i find myself faced with the question, "if i know i will be fine and everything will be alright, why does this bother me so?" its pathetic. i swear. and seriously, it hurts enough to cry and to be i guess irrational but that pain is NOWHERE near the the last time.. so why is the pain less but the reaction still so similar? i dont understand why this is happening. i definitely do not deserve it. dana was right. so was jerricha.. thanks for proving them right?? god i swear. i really know he will regret this shit. cause this time its beyond fucked.. there was NO reason to be such an asshole. to not talk to me. what the fuck. i need to get over him, seriously. and what balls nick has to text me. i really cant wait to see what he has to say. actually i really dont care. i know he is evil and cannot be trusted. so we will see if i answer or not. vulnerabilty is the only way i will answer that call. or maybe intrigue. who knows, we will see though. i want to give him his present. i worked so hard on it. i dont want it to just sit in my room or car. i want him to have it so he can see how stupid he is. i swear, if he does not call me or contact me, i will just drop it off at his house. and if his cousins open it than so fucking be it. thats his bad, NOT MINE. he really is a piece of work this kid. being such an ass for the what, 3rd, 4th time? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? i do nothing to deserve this. all ive done is love you.. SO FUCKING SORRY.. really.... my bad for thinking your amazing.. my bad for wanting to give you EVERYTHING.. reaaaaalllyyyyy, i am sooooo sorrrrrryyyyyyy......... yeeaaaHHHH. a part of me wonders if hes doing this for me.. like giving me what i asked for. but i do not think he is that complex.. or caring. seriously.. i dont think so. hes too selfish. maybe he wants me to give up on him so life will be easier for him. i dont understand how that could possibly happen but what the fuck ever i guess.. im over the lies and the shadyness. dont deserve it. you dont deserve me.. iwant to talk to him. straighten this out, give him his gift. and then honestly, i think i want to just end it altogether. this is so beyond old. and if he really is going to have NOOOOOO problem hurting me over NOTHING than HELLOOO JACKIEE!!!!! x him out cause this is a big fucking deal breaker. on some serious shit.
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[21 Dec 2007|10:37am] |
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i really cant believe this. how can he just do this out of no where.. with no explanation.. nothing.. atleast i gave you an explanation each time.. and i talked to you when you asked me to talk to you.. i answered the phone.. why do i deserve this? cause i dont. i dont deserve to be treated like this.. tomorrow will be a week since ive seen you and sunday a week since we spoke. if i do not hear from him by sunday....if he lets it go that long.. than wow... fucking wow.. how are you going to start my month for me without me even knowing? im so hurt and pissed but i cant even be mad. i asked for this. and as fucked up as it is i know its what i need. i just wish ihad an explanation. we didnt fight. so why are you doing this? if i knew that saturday was the last time ill see you i would have given you your stuff. i would have given you a real hug and told you that i will always love you. but no, you didnt give me that chance.. you wont even message or text me back. i messaged him.. lets see what happens. i swear. if he doesnt talk to me bysunday imdone. this time its for good.. he will give me the push ineed. im tired of these games.. they aregetting so old..
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[18 Dec 2007|01:11pm] |
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i havent talked to him since sunday. he never called back.. noone answered the phone. if he doesnt call me today than i think ill have to start my month again..the worst part of everything is that i know we will both be fine because thats how life is. i know as fine as we will be we both will be missin eachother. its crazy for me to think that i could be alright without him here, but the truth is i know i would be. i just dont want that life. i cant help how i feel. i cant make it go away. i just wish i could get what iwant. things would be so much better if that could happen.. all questions would be answered, uncertainties fulfilled. things would make sense even if it is for only a short time. a small part really does hopehe never talks to me again. but that part is so small anymore. the rest of me is dying to see him. dying to feel his presence and hear that he lovesme and for me to feel like everything is going to be okay even if deep down i know thats an impossibility..
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[17 Dec 2007|12:03am] |
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im scared. i dont know if telling her the truth was the best thing to do but i couldnt hold it in any longer. i have this feeling in my stomache that it will backfire but i guess thats what i do best. i fuck myself over and then i hope for the best. i cant believe the wway things are. i dont understand and i am neveer going to be able to face reality. without himi have nothing. without me he has nothing. WHY CANT THIS BE EASY. heres the easy solutions..1) BE WITH ME 2) GET OVER IT ... yeah both are some farfetched ideas. life is never easy. its never how it "should" be. this is how it is: i am nothing he wants but everything he needs. i am the best thing to ever come into his life and he will have to watch me walk out of it because he wont wake the fuck up. he is nothing i need but everything i want. no thats not true. he is all i need because he is everything i want. for me there is no one else. no alternative. i wish he would realize it before its toolate. i dont want to let you go!!!! but you are hurting me so bad.. it hurts. to be with him like this is killing me, and to be without him is death in itself. so what then? be together and try to get over him but secretly wish everyday that he turns around and finally tells me what ive been dying to hear. thats ridiculous and as amzing as it sounds its really just a fantasy, a fools hope. the truth is that he is too amazing andi will never be able to be around him and not want more than this. and the ultimate truth is that he will try to find other people and NONE will compare to me, and the reality in this truth is that i must move the fuck on because it will take too long for him towake the fuck up. its not fair. it hurts. it sucks. it makes me cry. i cant sleep and i cant be anything without him there. he is in everything i think and dream and do. i cant escape it. i dont want to escape it. i want him to want me . why cant it be that way. . . why can it never be that way??? this is so hard. but it has to be hard. its hard because its real. its the realest most upsetting thing ever. and wishing and wanting dont even matter anymore. as much as i love him and as much as he loves me, it doesnt even matter because nothing is changing this. nothing i do or say will save me from the pain. and the only person who can make me better is him and yet he is the one hurting me.. how insane is that shit.. i dont want no one else. i dont want a life without him but i cant have him how i need to have him and i cant live with him with these unreturned feelings.. the good is so amazing. there is no bad. so how can i just let him go.. icnat. i cant i cant i cant. and he cant let me go. we want eachother. we love eachother. why isnt that enough.. why why why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. it seems like that question haunts my mind. i love him. oh my god i love him. and i cant fucking stand it. i really cant. its disgusting. its ruined me and everything i stand for. everything i have ever believed in is gone out the damn window and i cant seem to find it. i cant even find myself anymore. i dont even know who i am. i do all the things i wished i never would. im pathetic and its gross. hes being selfish. he cant have all of me and all of someone else at the same time. its not happening. i wish i could be enough for him. well, i know i could be more than enough if he would just "look at me like that" the only solution i have is to make him see what hes missing. make him see me that way. but even that solution is pathetic. what the hell am i going to do.. no one has any answers for me, not even him. im at a standstill and alli can do about it is cry and hope and cry and ask why this and wish that maybe someday i could be with him. what a stupid life i lead these days. fucking pathetic piece of shit. he really doesnt deserve me. he doesnt deserve to have this hold on me. i know he doesnt deserve me because if e did he would take me. he would be content with me and we could realy live life. but because he is blind it shows me he really is undeserving. and it sucks. and i hate it. and nothing i can think of to do will change that. i deserve love. i deserve passion. i deserve a guy who will love me and hold me and will tell me how amazin i am, mean it, and than fuck me all night long. thats what i deserve. i only want him and its killing me.
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[07 Dec 2007|08:56pm] |
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i dont know if maybe i am just weak when it comes to him or if maybe just maybe its real. it feels so real when italk to him. why does he have to make it so hard to not want him. why is he so fucking amazing even now.. even with this potentially riendhsip ruining perdicatment we are in, even now he is being fucking amazing, being worth every tear and every ache in my heart. he really does love me. god he really does. just not like i love him. not like i want him to. the fact that we both are here for eachother says alot to me. it has to mean something. i mean both of our solutions are to leave this area, if we were not friends. without eachother theres nothing here, there is no hope. see the thing is i dont feel butterflies, i dont feel infatuated, i love him. but some days i think maybe i read more into my feelings. but at the same time he is the only person i want in every way you could possibly want someone. i dont want him to be with anyone else. and i really have this gut feeling that if i found a guy he would feel the same way. he would get jealous and want me. but would it be hes wanting something cause he cant have it or would it just be a wake up call? but even so, there is no one for me. no one but him.. so how can i even go about that? i guess time is all we have. time will either mend my heart or make him come around. i want so bad to believe that this is possible. i want to make it possible. if you want something bad enough can you make it happen? i mean it didnt work as far as me making him in love with me, but maybe we can get through it. we both want to. i just dont know how i can ever get over him. hes so fucking amazing, so perfect in every way. every flaw he has makes me love him more. the way he loves me makes me love him more. i dont want him to change. i dont want to lose what we have. but i am so scared that we will.. so fucking scared.
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[02 Dec 2007|10:58am] |
Three sleepless nights
This isn't how it's supposed to be
But you're so good at taking your time
To get back to me
I will wait for you forever
If you would just ask me
I thought that I could change you
But you changed me
It doesn't feel right
Holding someone elses hand
Together on phone lines
And living at two opposite ends
It scares me to think that you could find takers
Other than me and better than me
But your head is elsewhere
And I'm talking enough for both of us
When will you see it's not so easy for me
You're careless and whispered
Insulting and bruising
And I thought that you said
Things were improving
These laces are untied
But my feet are still walking away
Away...
I never thought that
You could say these words
Is this really happening? [2]
[Don't say...]
I never thought that
You could say these words
Is this really happening?
[Don't say that we can...]
I never thought that
You could say these words
Is this really happening?
[Don't say that we can still be...]
I never thought that you could say these words
Is this really happening?
[Don't say that we can still be friends]
Erase my name from this page
How can you take all these days [What is inside me? What have I done?]
And throw them away [Is this the only way that you will notice me?]
As I sit here waiting for you [Dead words for closed ears all this is sung]
for you, for you
I stay up nights [If you are still pretending this is what's right]
Until stars leave the sky [Why can't you look at me can you only see]
Knowing what my dreams can take away [Sides, your side, can]
take away
Walk away from me
This night is done
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[29 Nov 2007|10:08am] |
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i cant cry. i kinda expected this. it will hit me while im with him.. i know it. i wish i h ad the strength toask him for a month. whydid dana have to be right. why do i make it so impossible to find happiness. how can we bounce back fromthis. i mean iknow we canbut i dont want to. this shoud be the most amazing feeling and i cant evenenjoy it. instead i have towish it would goaway and hate myselffor going there. its not fair. lifes not fair. i cant even say my heart is broken. he broke my heart that day we decided to not be friends. this doesnt hurt as much. actually it doesnt hurt like it ususally does. a relationship wont ruin anything, thats a complete cop out but i dont have the energy to call him out on it. i wantto cry so bad. i want to tell him hes an idiot. but even more i just want to lay in bed with him and have him hug me, everything will be weird now. iknow it will. because it will be like everything will be overthought. he wont want to lead me on and i wont want to make myself obvious. so we cant be normal. we cant be together like we usually are. WHY CANT HE JUST BE WITH ME? i dont want anyone else. i havent for months and its so obvious to me now. and he wont find anyone better then me. and i cant wait for him to figure that out. he knows it. i know he does. god i fucked myself so bad. how can i live with him and have to watch him everyday knowing i cant be with him like i want to be. thats emotional suicide. how can he not want to be with me. how can he not feel it too. how does he not see it? is he really that confused? ishe really that worried about hurting me ina relationship? cause idont buy that for a minute.. is a penis really worth not being with the love of a lifetime...??i dont want anyone else and i really dont see that changing.. what am i going to do? how ami supposed to ghet through this. iwant dont want to get through it. iwant him to be with me.. why is that somuch toask for...
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| the more things change, the more they stay the same |
[21 Nov 2007|05:33pm] |
just think of this and me
as just a few of the many things
to lie around,
to clutter up your shelves
and I wish you weren't worth the wait
cause there are some things
that I'd like to say to you
And I don't think that you know
what you've been missing
cause I don't think that you know
what you've been missing
and I dare you to forget
the marks you left across my neck
from those nights when we were both found at our best
now I could make this obvious and you,
you could deny me
all in one breath
you could shrug me off your shoulders
And I don't think that you know
what you've been missing
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[18 Nov 2007|01:25am] |
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i dont understand why i keepo finding myself in this place. why can i never be content. alweays wanting more. always wanting what i cant have. always wanting what is so far out of my reach. how do i keep managing to do this to myself. why am i so fucking miserable. what the fucl. things feel so different. they are different.. so wehy then. why this. why is there no one i can talk to about this. why cant i just leave. go to puerto rico. leave it all behind. what is here anyway? NOTHING. no love. the only thing worth it is love. and i dont get that. i will never get it. not liek this. its hopeless. so fucking hopeless. and yet i constantly give myself reasons to hold on. but the truth is, im not holding on like i was. ITS SO DIFFERENT. how can it be so different but feel so right. feel so normal. feel so the same. well no, seem so the same. how can it seem like nothing changed but yetinside me i can feel it. not as intense anymore. still lingering. what does this mean. it seems like everything i say is wrong. everything i feel is useless. everything i think so not allowed to be said. whyy iss itt likee thiss. what the fuck is wrong with me. why cant i say it. why do i keep trying to stay in denial. if i say it than its real. if its real theni cant hide it. if its real than its real. it cant be real. it needs to go away. it needs to die along with the past. im not doing it again. i refuse. fuck it. fuck it all. why am i never good enough. no matter what i do. no matter howi loook. howi act. what i say. how much i give or dont give. i dont fucking get it. its a constant lose lose lifestyle. im so tired of it. I WANT TO BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS IN LOVE WITH ME. why is that so fucking farfetched. WHY THE FUCK WONT YOU JUST GIVE ME THAT! i fucking deserve it so bad. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. i wouldnt cheat, i wouldnt hurt, i would be fucking more amazing then i am now. so why cant i just have it. why does god keep doing this. its like right within my grasp and then he pulls it away. a big fucking sike nah to the forehead. i wish i could make this go away. but even more i wish that it didnt have to go away. i wish so bad that it could be right. it could be real. it could be the way it is supposed to be. but it cant. it wont. never. ever. i need to accept it. but i dont know if i can.. its so hard.. so fucking hard...
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| whaaaaaat theeeee fuckkkkkkkk |
[08 Nov 2007|04:08pm] |
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i wish i could give him the strength i have. i wish i could show him how much easier it would be. i dont know what to do. i dont like living like this. i actually hate it. its exhausting. but what then? is it better to live a life with him even if there is bullshit and that fucking asshole who keeps proving me right? i dont want to wait for him to realize it. its taKing so long. it could take a year! ive seen it before.. is it fucking worth it? its funny to me. i used to be soooo sure it was worth it. so fuckin sure. i knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt. and now, well now all i do is wonder.. i told him it was different. he fucking loves me. he cares about me, when we are together, we are together. its 'we' but i cant be around him 24-7, i cant keep nagging him and making him be strong. he has to want it for himself. hes not ready. theres no one else. he feels stuck. its pathetic. because i can do nothing but watch and disagree. I ALMOST BELIEVED HIM THIS TIME!. god i want to be able to believe him. thats what it is. i dont trust him. i cant. everytime i have blindly trusted him and put my heart and soul into things, he has lied to me and hurt me. but the lies ususally are because he is lusting. but still.. DONT FUCKING LIE TO ME. theres no need to.. i would rather deal with the truth and have to accept it. thatrs how i handle things. so stop fucking with the system cause its just hurting our friendship. when im with him i feel like anything is possible. i have hope for our future and i want nothing more than to be around him laughing and enjoying life. when im not with him i feel like i would be better off if he wasnt in my life. what does that mean.. what will that determine? how much longer will he do this to himself? how much longer will he want me in his life? im so afraid he will give in. maybe thats why im not fully in this. maybe thats why i keep seeing myself hold back. maybe thats why when he tells me he loves me and tells me all those things about we and future and life maybe thats why all i can think is "why are you still with him then?" if he knows that its us in the future, if he knows how amazing life will be with me, if he knows its going to happen, if he can say all this than why cant he just be over it now? why does it seem so far away..... why cant he just man the fuck up
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[01 Nov 2007|03:40pm] |
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i dont get myself. i dont get how i feel. i dont understand why i do what i do. the other day was such a good day. it was something ill always look back on fondly. this past week has been good for the most part. weird, but i have been enjoying it. im scared for tomorrow. i really dont think hes going to jail but idk i just cant stop thinking about it.. i mean i know everything will be fine no matter what happens. if he goes than he goes. i know WE will be fine. i will see him and visit him and save my money so that when he gets out life can start again. i dont want him to go tho. and yet i find myself wondering whats going to happen if nothing happens. if hes fine. and things are fine. why the hell does that scare me?? i know i wont lose him. i know he loves me. so wtf. why am i so fucking scared? i think its kinda like i know that in times of crisis and when tragedy strikes, i will outshine everyone. im so good at being there for people and helping and comforting them when they have no one. and if nothing at all happens than he wont see me the way i need him to see me. i need him to look at me as more amazing than he already thinks i am. i need to know that he sees how much i love him and how much he really needs me and loves me. and i guess its kinda like if nothing happens, then he wont see it and then i can potentially lose him. it seems like thats always the root of how i feel. i am afraid of losing him. thats why i get so scared when hes with him. cause i know that in real love situations, people tend to pick their lovers over their best friends. and its so fucked up that i feel like him going to jail will ulimately bring us closer.. but i mean it would. it would give me a chance to show him that he will never lose me. and then I AM WORTH IT. and again i question myself. why am i so afriad to lose him when i did kinda lose him for those 2 weeks, and i saw that i am capable of life without him. i guess it seems like a life without him in it seems kinda empty for me. if i had to do it, i know i could. but i still want him here. especially after this week. after the other night. i know that i like my life better when hes a regular part of it. and i also dont know anyone that i would rather build a future with. he is my best friend. and hes someone i will always want in my life.
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[25 Oct 2007|02:10pm] |
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the only thing i regret about
you and me is that i got you
too drunk to r e m e m b e r
how good of a fuck i was <3
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| taras words: |
[24 Oct 2007|11:19pm] |
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i don't know what you see in him..
" i see what everyone else doesn't "
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| i dont need you, i want you |
[24 Oct 2007|08:49am] |
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the starting line "saddest girl story"
So it's safe to say that we've been here before;
Heart torn out, down for the count
and still come back for more.
This lesson is learned too well.
Though, only unlearned by the
time your wounds have healed.
Have you had enough?
I guess not because your lips are stuck to his.
It's time to say enough is enough,
YOU WOULD BE SO BETTER OFF.
You love him but TOUGH because
it's not coming back from him.
You can't win.
STOP EXPECTING CHANGE
He's just a lost cause that you're waiting on.
Take a look around, you could have anyone
So leave undeserving him.
IT ONLY HURTS AT FIRST
But then you will find someone
to give you everything you want.
Try not to go RUNNING back to him.
So it goes unsaid that we've been here before.
Lonely nights and endless fights
and sleeping on the floor.
AND HES SORRY.. SO THE STORY GOESS.
It's read and replayed and ends the same way.
STOP EXPECTING CHANGE,
he's just a LOST CAUSE that you're waiting on.
Take a look around, you could have anyone.
So leave undeserving him.
STOP EXPECTING CHANGE,
he's just a lost cause that you're waiting on.
Take a look around, you could have anyone.
So leave undeserving him.
its seems to me that this song becomes more true every day.
i still remember the first time i showed it to him.
god, that was july i think? yeah, like july 28th.
and today is october 24th and it still appliesss.
and you know, maybe it applies to our situation too.
cause as different as things are, i still cant let you go.
well no, i can, but i'm not. and i won't unless you make me.
i think you are so worth my time. i think you do change.
i've seen you change to make things better with us.
and i have changed alot too. i know deep down its worth it.
i n f a t u a t i o n & l u s t cloud your judgement,
but i still know you love me and care about me.
and i know that in the long run it will be you & me.
[ best friends ] well, thats how it could be..
people will come in and out of our lives, but we will
stick by eachother and be there for eachother.
i really can see that with us, if you're willing to put forth the effort.
&& i want that with us. i want to show you so much in life.
i want you happy. and i want to be a part of that happiness.
but i know it cant be with him. its just no possible.
first loves are hard to break. especially in this case.
but it can be done. and i know it will be.
there is no future with you guys. i know you both see it.
just look at how things are now..
imagine a few months from now..
it wont change man. he wont change.
hes never going to be what you want him to be.
i don't know if i can wait for you to see that.
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[23 Oct 2007|05:02pm] |
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sometimes i find it eery how right on cue i am. i mean it has its downfalls, but i really am always right. my suspicions ring true, and my feelings or well thoughts on the matter seem to be so exact. listening to him talk and just tell me things about whats been going on, it just shows me how right i am. LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH!!. i know this will ring true in the end. i know it reall yis only a matter of time. i know i know i fucking know it with so much certainty. its kinda sad actually. it makes me doubt the truth in love at all. and i really am starting to wonder if i want love. do i really want such intense uncertainty? do i really want such pain, such inevitable pain and sorrow?? yes. i want love so bad. but more so, i want someone to love me. i want to be someones everything. i want to their person. and god, oh god it would be nice if that person was my person. loving is great and all but ive come to realize that majority of the time the most intesne feelings arent returned. to be loved by the one i love. thats my dream. a dream that probably wont be realized for a very long time. but its alright. i can wait. i know i deserve it. and i know it will be amazing. so i really jus need some patience<3 meanwhile, its really interesting to see how fucking amazing i am. and how much i am right in my observations. its creepy at times, and not always in my favor. but nontheless it is enjoyable and good to know that i still got it. ha. i am in such a weird place right now. i dont understand how i feel. i dont know how i want to feel. i really just feel like im waiting. but im not waiting anymore. thats whats odd. i realized i have to get my life on track and start living for me and not for other people. as much as i love helping people and being there for people, i gotta do me. whats best for me? i dont even know. well, getting out of here is what is best. whats uncertain is where i will end up. the doors i have will only be open for so long. i need to move forward and stop hoping for some help. i dont know if i can count on the word he gave me. the promise of a free life together. my heart wants so bad to hold on to that dream but my head is saying that is so not a reality. so there it is. i guess i can wait it out a few months and see if it looks promising or not. if not, than there is always puerto rico. and as much as i will miss things here. and as much as i love the people in my life, i know that they wouldnt think too much about me if in my position. i gotta be strong. and i know in the end, everything will be okay. everything is going to be alright.
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[22 Oct 2007|04:26pm] |
regina spektor "samson"
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met
Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us
The bible didn't mention us, not even once
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first , I loved you first
Beneath the stars came falling on our heads
But there just soft light, there just soft light
Your hair was long when we first met
Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
He told me i was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors and the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright
and kissed me till the morning light, the morning light
and he kissed me till the morning light
Samson came back to bed
not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down
Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first
a fine frenzy "almost lover"
Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images No Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
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